Tears of Silence

Quiet.

Dark.

Alone.

It is dark, quiet and calm late at night. I looked at the stars in the early hours of the morning, after the world has been dreaming, and it is a quiet. I can hear my own breathing, my heartbeat, my heartbreak. Here alone, when no one is watching, I feel free to cry in silence. It is not that I am self conscious about crying in front of people, but there is power in silence. As a musician my life is filled, utterly overflowing with noise. Music, sounds, speaking, grumbling, laughter, loudness, machines humming, working, working, ever working. There is too much working and not enough existing.

Existence.

God spoke to Moses about his existence. When Moses asked his name, God replied with a simple, "I AM". I AM? What is that supposed to mean? Its boggling and confusing. But its simpler than most of us overly intellectual people would realize. God just laid it down by saying "It is good enough that I merely exist." God doesn't have to BE anything, he doesn't have to BE this label or that boundary or this small box you want to put him in to help understand him.

GOD CAN NOT BE UNDERSTOOD.

Maybe that's an offensive statement to theological types. Humans have spent their entire history writing books, debating, rewriting, philosophizing, intellectualizing...trying to push our wee little brains to the limits trying to understand and fit God into our world, when really we should fit OUR world into HIS. When I realized that I'd never understand God, and I just accepted the mystery of my creator, I finally understood. Understood myself, Understood my world, Understood my purpose.

I don't have any answers, and I'm O.K. with that. I'm the kind of guy that reads the book before the movie so that I know what's going to happen. But I've read God's Book, and I know what's going to happen, but that doesn't make the journey any easier. I have some of the darkest days behind me and more ahead of me. I have some of the brightest moments of hope to carry me through. I know who's going to be there with me to shoulder the burdens that life throws on me, and I'm O.K. that I don't really understand the guy that's helping out. I'll learn more as we go on the journey.

So silence is deafening.

Silence is someone crying out for help, screaming right in your face without saying a word. Its their downcast eyes that they hide lest someone see into their soul. Its the perfect mask and lie we live through because we don't want people not to like us because we aren't perfect. Its the trudging along, shouldering our ten ton weights on our own because we just couldn't STAND for someone else to help us. Its tears cried into pillows and shoulders and fists pounded into the ground and fist clenching, teeth grinding, sob wracking, HONESTY that makes us, creates us, molds, shapes and breaks us.

it is prayer.

It is broken hearted, chest on fire, knee burn, stomping, spitting, fist in the air, watery eyed, INSANITY that makes a man sacrifice his life for what? Money? Women? Power? Acceptance?

...God?

I am a worthless slab of flesh
A common husk and no more
Simple wood, a common log
To carry the fire of the Lord
If I should think myself the light
And try to light the world aflame
Cast me aside, a burnt match
A smudge upon your name
Please make me God, a simple stick
The lowest of the low
That I may be useful to you
The best your light to show

Live, Love, Verse.

J. Beatnik