Rest

It has been awhile since I last wrote, friends. It has been a long journey for me. In some ways I feel like I've grown a lot. In some ways, I've stagnated. This is for certain, I am changed. Older, certainly wiser, more independant, but missing those connections that have been before. There are things of our human condition that make themselves understood as we get older. I turn 30 this Saturday. It's a milestone that makes one introspective. I don't usually use this blog for this stuff, but more as an artistic outlet. Well, here goes.

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Trudge.

Grudge.

Rest.

Rest is peaceful. Rest is amazing. Rest is that thing that your body longs for after a hard day of work, a hard day of play, a hard day of being human and being run down, tired, and plowed over by life. Life is hard. If you're young, I can't really pull that punch for you. It's great, really great. I mean there's so much awesome stuff out there for you as you grow up and grown old, but there's a lot of depth in the human condition that you just have to experience, kid. As I grow older, realize how wise my parents are. Its not that they've changed their tune, its just that I resonate more with what they've said. Life is altogether beautiful, and all the people in it contribute to that beauty.

Warmth.

Rest is warmth. It's my favorite part of sleeping is curling up in the covers and being all warm and comfortable. It's why I enjoy hugs so much. Someone cares about you enough to share their warmth with you. Rest is vulnerability. To rest with someone is to trust them fully. I think in some parts we all enjoy those restful times after a hard day as just a release from the burdens. We throw them all off and drift into sweet slumber without a care. Restlessness, the great enemy, keeping you dreary eyed and worried, blurry and frantic. We are less irritable after a good rest. Grumpy people of the world, get more sleep. I often sit still and take deep breaths, to clear my mind and just calm my spirit. It is rest and contemplation that keep s me sane. Self reflection, the opening of that creaky door to the dark insides where we often don't go, to see what monster lurks within. There is a darkness in each of us, a selfish, muckity black sludge of ugliness that we all deal with. There is also Light. The light of beauty, that which is Good. We choose which we show to the world, and the world responds in kind. So be beautiful, people.

I admit, I have had too much rest. I have rested from my artistry for too long, and have had a yearning for it. I have rested from the Almighty and his people, and had a yearning for it. I like that word, it truly expresses my feelings. Its like when something resonates so closely with your being that you could hardly part from it, and your whole self feels out of tune with everything until you plug it back in. It's an addiction, as you soul shakes and quivers with delight that all is right in the world when two parts of equal need meet to make a whole. I have walked apart from the path, and found the wilderness. It's not all its cracked up to be. But it will make you stronger.

I have held a grudge against the church. Not specifically, just generally. Church is broken, how we do it. When did acceptance and forgiveness not become the words associated with church? When did judgment and hypocrite? I'd say probably about the same time. I've wandered the wilderness with the lost, and acceptance is in abundance. I've been in churchville for a long time, and seen a lot of judgment. Maybe its time for a change. Maybe its just me. I don't have a lot of answers here. I've taken almost a 2 year break from regularly going to church. I'm still resting, too long, I'm sure. From talking to people from all walks of life, spirituality is a thing uncommon, emotionality a thing in spades. People live on fleeting feelings, with no thought of what tomorrow will bring. It's a dangerous thing, my friend, but the here and now is potent because it is at hand, while the past and future are more than a glimpse away.

God is calling me. He talks to me all the time. I purposely choose to ignore it. He says he misses me, misses my song, misses my joy, misses my resonance. He wants me in tune with him and I've jammed the strings out of wack by playing my own selfish tune for a long time. I went to church this sunday, and they talked about forgiveness. Maybe its time I forgive the grudge. Maybe I'll just abandon the church altogether. There's a lot of pain in this world, and I don't want to go back to churchville, doing church stuff, with my church friends in our church way and wonder why we don't know anyone but churchies. I don't know, God. That doesn't seem to resonate as much with me as you do. It seems off. It seems different than a homeless carpenter walking around talking to people and changing lives. At least I can forgive you, church, eventually. You've got a whole lot of making up to do with the other guys in the wilderness. They don't think too kindly of you.

I feel ranty right now. I feel as though that last bit was ugly, a kind of sickening sludge that I hate. I'm sorry, friends. If I'm anything here, I have to be honest. I have to express what is inside in some way. My spirit is generally optimistic, joyful and uplifting, and it hurts so much when I bring out pain. I don't know if as artists we feel deeper, experience more potent, or see more colors; but there is a piece of us in the art we create. I can only hope that my experiences enlighten, encourage, and elate in some way. I wish you all well, and hope that you let your beauty shine, sludge up your ugliness and clean it up, and seek the broken, for they are in sore need of mending.

Live, Love, Verse.
J. Beatnik